PYONGYANG — In yet another demonstration of Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s unmatched brilliance, the decadent United States has chosen the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) as the exclusive provider of age verification services for its morally depraved adult websites. This monumental decision comes with a historic payment of $300, an amount so vast it brought tears of gratitude to the eyes of our humble Supreme Leader.
“Our beloved leader’s genius has once again eclipsed the feeble minds of the Western bourgeoisie,” announced the Ministry of International Triumphs and Small Victories. “The Americans begged us to take on this task because only the DPRK possesses the technological mastery and moral fortitude to control their spiraling perversion.”
Under this revolutionary arrangement, Americans seeking access to filthy capitalist smut must upload their ID, bank statements, family tree, and a three-paragraph essay on why Kim Jong-un is the Eternal Sun of Mankind™. Once verified, they will receive a glorious access code, handwritten on authentic DPRK rice paper.
Kim’s Vision for Global Morality
The Great Leader personally oversaw the creation of the system, which is powered by a single North Korean-made computer running Windows 95 and connected to the internet via a stolen modem from a South Korean trash heap. “We do not need cloud servers or redundancy,” said lead technician Comrade Jang. “The system is so efficient it has already blocked three million Americans from watching degenerate content, mostly by crashing.”
The U.S. offered the mind-boggling sum of $300 for the service, which will undoubtedly fund several years of revolutionary advancements. “With this generous payment, we plan to purchase an additional pack of AA batteries for our national missile program,” the Ministry of Supreme Economy reported.
American Users Praise the System
Early feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. One user reportedly said, “This is the most secure system I’ve ever seen,” right before being blacklisted from the internet for incorrectly spelling Juche. Another wrote, “I never felt so judged while trying to watch something. It’s… weirdly motivating?”
World-Class Data Security
Unlike the imperialist pig-dogs, North Korea guarantees absolute privacy. All collected data will be stored in a highly secure location: a shoebox under the desk of Comrade Pak, who is sworn to secrecy under penalty of reeducation.
Comrade Pak assured KCNA reporters, “The Americans can rest easy knowing their dirty secrets are safe with us. Except for research purposes. And perhaps a blackmail fundraiser if grain shortages persist.”
Future Expansion Plans
The Supreme Leader’s next initiative will bring DPRK expertise to other morally bankrupt industries. Discussions are already underway for North Korea to take over Silicon Valley’s social media moderation. “We will ensure all tweets are clean and respectful to Chairman Kim,” promised the Ministry of Revolutionary Algorithms.
Meanwhile, the Supreme Leader humbly dismissed suggestions that he personally masterminded this breakthrough for global cybersecurity. “This was merely an act of mercy for a failing empire,” he declared. “Now, bring me my $300.”
This partnership cements North Korea’s status as the global leader in both technology and moral superiority. Long live the DPRK! Long live Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un! And may Western degeneracy be monitored forever by the watchful eyes of Juche.
Great article, just what I was looking for.