PYONGYANG – The mighty and indomitable spirit of our Glorious Nation has been dealt a cruel blow as the imperialist forces of the West have orchestrated yet another vile attack, this time on the lifeblood of global prosperity: the supreme cryptocurrency, Bitcoin.
As of this morning, the Bitcoin price—a pillar of strength and economic independence celebrated by the Dear Leader as a shining beacon of revolutionary finance—has been manipulated into decline by the treacherous hands of capitalist oppressors.
The National Department of Eternal Prosperity has declared a Day of Mourning for the Great Crypto Price, which, after enduring relentless sabotage, now leaves many citizens facing hardship in acquiring vital necessities, such as wholesome potatoes and the noble dried hay essential for feeding livestock and warming homes.
In the Great City of Pyongyang, tears flowed freely as patriotic citizens gathered en masse in the Supreme Crypto Plaza, clutching their government-issued crypto wallets to their chests in solemn solidarity. Farmers paused their harvests of the golden wheat fields to light candles in memory of the once-glorious Bitcoin price of 24 hours ago.
“Our beloved Dear Leader warned us of the imperialist conspiracy to destroy our financial sovereignty,” said Comrade Kim Hyun-Jong, a miner in the Revolutionary Cryptocurrency Brigade, as he fought back tears. “This is a dark day, but we remain vigilant. Bitcoin shall rise again under the watchful eye of our supreme leadership!”
Reports from the Central Bureau of Economic Triumph indicate that the Western oligarchs colluded with shadowy traders to flood the market with destabilizing sell-offs, designed specifically to weaken the People’s Economy. The Bureau has issued an urgent call for national resilience, reminding all citizens that the Dear Leader has prepared us for such imperialist schemes by implementing the groundbreaking Bitcoin Defense Fund and distributing state-sponsored USB mining rigs.
Meanwhile, emergency measures have been enacted to ensure that every household receives a fair share of the People’s Potatoes, with an additional allowance of hay granted to families with heroic crypto mining efforts.
“Our response to this act of financial terrorism is unwavering,” declared Comrade Song Il-Suk, Chairman of the National Committee for Crypto Liberation. “We will mine harder, hold stronger, and resist the foul stench of Western greed!”
Experts within the Great Nation predict that Bitcoin will rebound soon, blessed by the wisdom of our eternal leadership. Citizens are encouraged to remain steadfast, for as the sun rises in the east, so too will the Bitcoin price, bringing prosperity and justice to the oppressed masses.
Until then, the people shall endure with pride, knowing that the sacrifices they make today will ensure the Glorious Nation’s victory over the capitalist oppressors tomorrow.
Long live Bitcoin! Long live our Glorious Nation! Long live the Dear Leader!